Have you ever been in a spot that you can’t believe that you are in? Have you gotten there and thought “how did I get here”? We’ve all been there!!! I would like to walk through what I like to call the “4 Filtered Funnel of Grudge Holding”.
A grudge is when we are holding something against someone. I asked Siri to define “grudge” for me. Siri came through for me again!!! She said it is “a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.” (WELL DONE SIRI.) Grudges are easy to have and hard to work through. I have found that walking through this four filtered funnel is very helpful in understanding where this grudge has come from. (What to do about it??? That will be addressed another time! We are being introspective right now.)
1 – Desire
Desires are not bad. Desires can be very good. It is good to desire. Desire can be a drive that helps us to accomplish great things. However, if a desire becomes misdirected or difficult / impossible to obtain then there can be problems! When a desire is filtered through the Word of God and through wisdom then a desire can remain a good thing. However, when it is not it often progresses to a demand!
2 – Demand
These desires can evolve into stronger feelings that turn into something worse. These feelings create demands. Demands occur when we feel like someone is not helping us to get our desire. Demands can be expectations. Those demands / expectations can be verbalized but most often they are not. Which means, that we have an expectation that won’t be met, in part, because it is unknown. This causes frustration and frustration leads to judgement.
3 – Judgement
Demands progress to judgement. Judgement is reserved for a judge (or The Judge). One of the reasons that we may ask a judge to hear our case is that we can’t see the full picture. Jesus uses an illustration to address this matter and He calls it “getting the log out of your eye” (See Matthew 7 for the full account). Therefore when we are at this stage… BE CAREFUL! We are one step away from severely damaging our relationship!
4 – Punishment
Yuck! Punishment! This is the ugliest and most damaging to our relationships. Punishment can be subtle or it can be very obvious. They range from not responding to texts (or responding with the passive-aggressive “k”) to not speaking to the person to talking behind their backs to verbal or physical altercations. Here’s the thing… when we hand out punishment it feels right! But it is not right! Punishment must be handled with the most discerning of wisdom and soaked in love (yes, love can yield an appropriate punishment).
Now that we understand the lingo let’s go at it backwards…
Answer the following questions to better use the filter.
- Who are we holding a grudge against?
- How have we punished them?
- What was the judgement we gave them? Why?
- What was the demand or expectation that led to this demand?
- What is the desire that led to the demand?
- Is that desire good? Why or why not?
- How can we align this desire with our worldview? (see “Leadership and the Worldview Pie – What does the crust have to do with it?” https://goo.gl/i1usYg and “Leadership and Worldview – 3 Great questions to ask about every slice of the worldview pie!” https://goo.gl/ivW46q for more insight into this question.)